


give me soft connor or give me death

by cloudmomm



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana is perfect, Connor and Zoe are only tagged bc this is them being nice siblings, F/F, I like it when everyone is marginally happy let me live, I'm a fan of Jared and Connor being frenemies, Jared ate a bath bomb now go spread the word, M/M, au where Connor is alive and Connor project didn't happen, happy siblings!!!, interpret things how you all want!!!, jared is gay, not incest!!!!!!, ships are kinda open to anything, soft! Connor, text fic, they all have very subtle and different ways they type, they're all friends!!!!, this turned into a crack fic too quickly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-11-29 07:09:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11435742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudmomm/pseuds/cloudmomm
Summary: 4:58jazz(oe)y added (A+)lana Beck, badpun, jaredisthebathbomb, and savethetrees to the chat!jazz(oe)y renamed the chat: give me soft connor or give me deathjazz(oe)y: yall,,,,,,jazz(oe)y: it’s motherfuckin story timejazz(oe)y: who wants to hear about soft connor





	1. The Murphy's are softies

4:58 PM  
jazz(oe)y added (A+)lana Beck, badpun, jaredisthebathbomb, and savethetrees to the chat!

jazz(oe)y renamed the chat: give me soft connor or give me death

jazz(oe)y: yall,,,,,,  
jazz(oe)y: it’s motherfuckin story time  
jazz(oe)y: who wants to hear about soft connor

badpun: zoe what the fuCK

jaredisthebathbomb: ...is soft connor even real  
jaredisthebathbomb: connor why arent u ever soft with me :(((((

badpun: shut up i hate u kleinman

jaredisthebathbomb: xoxo

(A+)lana Beck: Not to be rude Connor, but I’ve personally never seen you be “soft” with anyone. I would really like to hear about this Zoe!

jazz(oe)y: thank you alana  
jazz(oe)y: wait where’s evan  
jazz(oe)y: this is very important he should be here

savethetrees: hi everyonr!!

jaredisthebathbomb: the gangs all here

(A+)lana Beck: Hello Evan!

savethetrees: hi alana!! how arre you?

(A+)lana Beck: I’m very well, thank you Evan!

jazz(oe)y: guys hush i need to tell a story

badpun: shhh zoe let the pure ones speak

jazz(oe)y: stfu connor you just don’t want me to tell the story  
jazz(oe)y: which is very important and everyone needs to know this happened

badpun: literALLY WHY  
badpun: I TRY TO BE A NICE BROTHER AND YOU CALL ME SOFT AND GO TELL EVERYONE

jaredisthebthabomb: hush connor ur yelling

savethetrees: …  
savethetrees: no he’s nott????

jaredisthebathbomb: h u s h

(A+)lana Beck: Let’s all let Zoe tell her story! She seems very eager and you all keep interrupting, go ahead Zoe.

jazz(oe)y: alana you are a goddess  
jazz(oe)y: okay but anyways  
jazz(oe)y: so I had a bad day today and I came home all mopey and angry and I just went up to my room, slammed the door, and screamed into a pillow for like,,,,, thirty minutes maybe

badpun: it was forty actually

jazz(oe)y: connor sh  
jazz(oe)y: so after screaming I was listening to music to blow off steam and I hear a tiny *soft* knock on my door and Connor walks into my room with a bag

badpun: z o e

jazz(oe)y: and he just silently sits down next to me on my bed, pulls out his laptop, and turns on fuckin happy tree friends for me (good fuckin show btw I think it’s really funny okay)

badpun: z o e m u r p h y

jazz(oe)y: anD tHEn  
jazz(oe)y: Connor “super edge-lord” murphy braided my hair and painted my nails to make me feel better

badpun: z OE

savethetrees: omg

jaredisthebathbomb: whAT  
jaredisthebathbomb: CONNOR WHA TTHE FUCKGBS  
jaredisthebathbomb: WHY ISTHIS SO FUNNY?????

badpun: fucK OFF KLEINMAN

(A+)lana Beck: Connor! That’s so nice of you! I never would’ve pinned you as the type to do that for your sister!

badpun: aaaaAAAHHHH  
badpun: MY IMAGE  
badpun: ITS SHATTERING LIKE A FUCKING MIRROR INFRONT OG ME

jazz(oe)y: he was also humming at one point

savethetrees: that’s so cute?????  
savethetrees: who gave you the right????????

badpun: NO ITS NOT EVAN GO AWAY

savethetrees: :(((((

badpun: no wait im srry come back

savethetrees: let me cqll you cute???

badpun: ugh fine

jaredisthebathbomb: damn that was gay

(A+)lana Beck: No offense Jared, but aren’t you gay? Why are you making fun of them?

jaredisthebathbomb: omg alana did u just out me

savethetrees: jared you’ve been out for like,,,, over a year now

jaredisthebathbomb: k but still

jazz(oe)y: gayness aside,,,,, how do we feel about soft connor????

(A+)lana Beck: Connor is a more wonderful brother than I imagined!

jaredisthebathbomb: s o c o n f u s e d

badpun: attacked

savethetrees: so sweet!!!!!

jazz(oe)y: shut up Connor this was necessary

badpun: sigh  
badpun: whatever

jaredisthebathbomb: how edgy  
jaredisthebathbomb: all u need is the emo hair and black clothing  
jaredisthebathbomb: o h w a i t

badpun: fuck off kleinman

 

3:17 AM

give me soft connor or give me death:

jazz(oe)y: is anyone awake?????  
jazz(oe)y: no????????  
jazz(oe)y: okay good  
jazz(oe)y: Connor is actually such a great brother and I know I’m always a real bitch to you Con but I do love you and appreciate everything you do for me  
jazz(oe)y: like being soft and hanging out with me today  
jazz(oe)y: I’m doing this while you sleep so I don’t have to confront you  
jazz(oe)y: wait we live together  
jazz(oe)y: ……..  
jazz(oe)y: fuck it I love my bro he’s a cool dude B))))))  
jazz(oe)y: since I’m pretty sure none of you have siblings you should use Connor if you ever need to be comforted cause he’s really good at reading people and understanding what they need and I love Connor

badpun: love u too zo

jazz(oe)y: why aRE YOU AWAKE  
jazz(oe)y: YOUNG MAN  
jazz(oe)y: GO TO SLEEP WHAT THE FUCK

badpun: im older than you  
badpun: plus i never sleep u should know this by now smh  
badpun: unlock ur door we’re hanging out  
badpun: i painted ur nails u paint mine

jazz(oe)y: door’s open

 

8:03 AM

give me soft connor or give me death:

jazz(oe)y: Sent image  
jazz(oe)y: look at his nails!!!!! they’re blue and sparkly

badpun: Sent image  
badpun: we have matching sparkles

jaredisthebathbomb: youre both soft wtf

savethetrees: this is so cute i’m gonna cry

(A+)lana Beck: Your nails look so great! Good job to the both of you!

jazz(oe)y: these are all compliments to me so thank you all

badpun: agreed


	2. twaS A HOT AUGUST AFTERNOON AT MY NEW JOB AT LUSH

1:36 PM

give me soft connor or give me death:

jaredisthebathbomb: question  
jaredisthebathbomb: wtf is up with all of ur names

savethetrees: …

jaredisthebathbomb: urs is understandable  
jaredisthebathbomb: still disappointing but understandable

savethetrees: rude!  
savethetrees: trees are very important to everyyone’s daily life dontt bash them

jazz(oe)y: j a z z y  
jazz(oe)y: jazz queen was too tacky

badpun: and putting ur name into the word jazzy isnt ?????

jazz(oe)y: are you making fun of my name  
jazz(oe)y: really

jaredisthebathbomb: she has a point  
jaredisthebathbomb: ur name is lame

savethetrees: nice rhyme mr bathbomb

jaredisthebathbomb: hah u cant make fun of me  
jaredisthebathbomb: my name is perfect  
jaredisthebathbomb: a worthy joke  
jaredisthebathbomb: like alanas

(A+)lana Beck: Thank you Jared! I came up with this name myself after approximately two and a half hours thinking of it!

badpun: that is true dedication

savethetrees: this is the same as the email i made when i was five  
savethetrees: it was the obvious choice 

jazz(oe)y: should I even pretend to be surprised

badpun: probably not tbh

(A+)lana Beck: On the topic of names, Jared, why are you a bathbomb?

jazz(oe)y: omg

savethetrees: alana do you not know this story???

badpun: absolutely legendary

jaredisthebathbomb: lanA HAVE I SRSLY NOT TOLD U THIS

(A+)lana Beck: I believe not, sorry.

badpun: nah lana its cool this is just the best story to grace the world

jaredisthebathbomb: i think thats the only thing we agree on

jazz(oe)y: it’s not even that much of a story

savethetrees: can I tell it  
savethetrees: wait no Jared tells it a little different each time 

jaredisthebathbomb: ahem  
jaredisthebathbomb: twaS A HOT AUGUST AFTERNOON AT MY NEW JOB AT LUSH

(A+)lana Beck: Oh, no.

jaredisthebathbomb: I WAS DOIN STOCK IN THE BACK WHEN I REMEMBERED THAT ONE INSTAGRAM POST ABOUT THE PERSON GOING INTO LUSH AND THINKING THE SOAP WAS CHEESE

badpun: oh no indeed lana

jaredisthebathbomb: SO I, THE CONNOISSEUR OF KNOWLEDGE THAT I AM

jazz(oe)y: did he just use a comma

savethetrees: since when does jared know how to spell connoisseur  
savethetrees: or know that that means

jaredisthebathbomb: DECIDED TO PICK UP THE FIRST “INTERGALACTIC” (spon) BATHBOMB I SAW AND JUST 

badpun: took a giant ass bite

(A+)lana Beck: Oh dear! Why would you do that?

jaredisthebathbomb: it waS JUST A NIBBLE

savethetrees: andd he was called ‘bathbomb eater’  
savethetrees: orr ‘mr bathbomb’  
savethetrees: for months  
savethetrees: and wass fired

(A+)lana Beck: I’m so sorry that happened to you Jared!

jaredisthebathbomb: thank u lana u r too kind to me

jazz(oe)y: no don’t be sorry he’s stupid for doing that Lana

jaredisthebathbomb: and that alana beck is why i am physically a bathbomb 

badpun: iconic

 

11:56 PM

give me soft connor or give me death:

savethetrees: connorr wjy is your name just ‘badpun’ and not an actual pun  
savethetrees: this has been plaguing me all day

jazz(oe)y: he is a bad pun

jaredisthebathbomb: lmaO good one zoe  
jaredisthebathbomb: *highfive*

jazz(oe)y: yeah no

badpun: *highfive*

savethetrees: …

badpun: evan dont judge me you cant leave a bro hangin

jazz(oe)y: never say any of those words again con

jaredisthebathbomb: im acTUALLY CRYIN RN  
jaredisthebathbomb: CONNOR MY BUD  
jaredisthebathbomb: I FEEL SO MUC CLOSER TO U

badpun: how do i retract a digital highfive  
badpun: asking for a friend

savethetrees: my quesstion still applies connor

badpun: zoe was mostly right  
badpun: i am a living bad pun  
badpun: anything that can go wrong does  
badpun: murphys law

jaredisthebathbomb: oh my fuckingh god

jazz(oe)y: that’s actually a really good joke con wtf

badpun: dont act so surprised  
badpun: clearly my comedic levels are of the highest caliber 

savethetrees: thatss also sad???

badpun: so am i

jaredisthebathbomb: is oki ily boo

badpun: evan do i have ur permission to kill jared for that comment

jazz(oe)y: you have mine

savethetrees: same

(A+)lana Beck: I’m terribly sorry to ruin the fun, but I should be heading to bed. Goodnight everyone! Sleep well!

jazz(oe)y: goodnight Lana we love you

badpun: night mom

jaredisthebathbomb: gn mummy dearest

savethetrees: goodnight alana!!!

badpun: alana is mom friend  
badpun: no questions asked

jaredisthebathbomb: k but whos the dad

savethetrees: connor

jaredisthebathbomb: k i n k y

badpun: kleinman im gonna stab you

savethetrees: notlike thay ja red nothats notw hat i meant

jazz(oe)y: omg is Evan flustered  
jazz(oe)y: that is adorable

jaredisthebathbomb: hes more of an edgy brooding uncle that still lives with his mom in her basement who owns a waterbed and a giant statue of a bear anyways

jazz(oe)y: that was  
jazz(oe)y: weirdly specific

jaredisthebathbomb: zoe is that mom btw  
jaredisthebathbomb: im the dad

badpun: ew

jazz(oe)y: ew

savethetrees: eew

badpun: what about evan

jazz(oe)y: precious grandchild/child/nephew

jaredisthebathbomb: fair enough

savethetrees: okay??????

jaredisthebathbomb: i feel weirdly closer to u all after today  
jaredisthebathbomb: makes me feel sentimental

badpun: shut up kleinman

jaredisthebathbomb: so zoe gets tp have a special sappy moment and i dont???  
jaredisthebathbomb: fuck u murphy

badpun: ;)))))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not as cute as the last one I'm sorry!!  
> also posted on the same night and thank you so much to everyone that's read so far!!!! I really appreciate it!!!!!!!  
> side note: Evan's little double letter things/misspellings are from his shaky hands  
> Jared and Connor are BrOs


	3. lanas turning over a new rebellious leaf everyone

9:18 AM

give me soft connor or give me death:

badpun: guys has anyone seen alana today  
badpun: she wasnt in english

jaredisthebathbomb: alana??? skipping school?????? this never happens omg  
jaredisthebathbomb: lanas turning over a new rebellious leaf everyone i bet shell smoke weed by tomorrow

jazz(oe)y: Jared wtf  
jazz(oe)y: are you crazy Lana wouldn’t do that

savethetrees: maybe she’s sickk???

badpun: alanas never sick

jazz(oe)y: true

jaredisthebathbomb: i think shed rather die then miss school tbh

savethetrees: and if she was goingg somewhere she’d tell us right????  
savethetrees: we’ree her frriends  
savethetrees: maybb she wouldn’t i could be wrongg

jazz(oe)y: nono she definitely would

jaredisthebathbomb: so smth is wrong then????

badpun: i knew it

jazz(oe)y: I just called her she has her phone off

 

Private Message: jazz(oe)y, (A+)lana Beck

jazz(oe)y: hi Lana just checking in to see if you’re okay  
jazz(oe)y: I really hope you’re just sick  
jazz(oe)y: if there’s anything else going on just know you can always tell me  
jazz(oe)y: we’re friends Lana and I’m here for you  
jazz(oe)y: text me when you get these messages

 

Private Message: jaredisthebathbomb, (A+)lana Beck

jaredisthebathbomb: yo lana   
jaredisthebathbomb: srry if what i said earlier abt u being rebellious was offending  
jaredisthebathbomb: but as ur friend i command u to come back  
jaredisthebathbomb: ur the person i tolerate most out of our friends  
jaredisthebathbomb: so come back soon

 

Private Message: savethetrees, (A+)lana Beck

savethetrees: hi alanna!!!!!!!  
savethetrees: just waanted to say hi and that we all mmiss you in school todday  
savethetrees: and thaat you should comme back as soon as possiible  
savethetrees: but if yyou’re sick nt too soon i wannt yout to be better ofcourse  
savethetrees: even if you’re not sick if you;re taking a mental health dayt hat’s fine too!!! take yoyr time just let us know wher eyou are please

 

Private Message: badpun, (A+)lana Beck

badpun: i dont wanna stress you out lana but were all really worried  
badpun: u never miss school its weird not having you here   
badpun: just like  
badpun: let us know whats going on and whatever

 

1:08 PM

give me soft connor or give me death: 

jazz(oe)y: I miss Alana  
jazz(oe)y: has anyone heard from her??

badpun: unfortunately no

jaredisthebathbomb: omg is mr angst concerned for lana???????

savethetrees: sofft connor has rreturned

jazz(oe)y: g o d b l e s s

badpun: fuck off kleinman am i not allowed to be concerned for my mom  
badpun: alanas the best and i miss her fuck off

savethetrees: jaredds concernned too hhe just wont say jt

jazz(oe)y: soft Jared??????  
jazz(oe)y: why did that physically hurt to type  
jazz(oe)y: Jared don’t be soft it hurts

badpun: i agree 100%

jaredisthebathbomb: shut it murphys  
jaredisthebathbomb: ur all mean to me let me live

badpun: never

(A+)lana Beck: Hello everyone!

jaredisthebathbomb: laN A  
jaredisthebathbomb: MOM UR BACK

savethetrees: alana!!!! I’mm so happy youre bakc!!!!

badpun: what happened?? is everything ok?

jazz(oe)y: are you feeling okay Lana?

(A+)lana Beck: Thank you all very much for your concern! I really appreciated all of your messages, especially the individual ones! I’m sorry I neglected to let you know that I wouldn’t be at school today, it was very unexpected, but I’m perfectly fine!

jaredisthebathbomb: IM SO HAPPY????

badpun: calm those tears kleinman

jaredisthebathbomb: SHUT TJE FUCK UP IM NOT CRYING

savethetrees: he totally iss

badpun: thank u evan  
badpun: jared ur a loser

jazz(oe)y: shut up u fucks  
jazz(oe)y: I’m so happy you’re okay Alana!   
jazz(oe)y: is it okay if I ask what happened

(A+)lana Beck: Oh! Of course! Last night, I told my parents something very important, and they were both so pleased with me that they took the day off and spent it with me! Of course, I had my own issues with the idea originally, but they were so convincing that I couldn’t refuse! On this topic, would someone be willing to get all the work I missed today? It would be greatly appreciated!

badpun: already on it lana

jaredisthebathbomb: sO SHE WAS SKIPPING

savethetrees: whatt did youu tell them???

(A+)lana Beck: Well…

jazz(oe)y: omg how suspenseful  
jazz(oe)y: today is just full of Alana surprises jeez

jaredisthebathbomb: i cant believe i was right?????

badpun: shut up kleinman ur not helping the suspense

(A+)lana Beck changed their name to (Gay)lana Beck! 

(Gay)lana Beck: I certainly hope you are all okay with this! If need be, I can change my name back, I would hate to make any of you uncomfortable in any way! My parents were so proud of me for coming out that they stayed home and we watched movies and just talked, they even bought me a lesbian pride flag online!!!

jaredisthebathbomb: m y leSBIAN QUEEN

jazz(oe)y: omg!!! I’m so proud of you Lana!!!!!

savethetrees: i’m sso happy yoou trusted uss with this!!!

(Gay)lana Beck: Of course! You’re all my closest acquaintances! 

badpun: we’re ur friends lana  
badpun: u being gay wont change that

jaredisthebathomb: calling us ur acquaintances all the time wont either

savethetrees: even thouggh we knnow that we’re yourr friends

jazz(oe)y: we love you Alana!!!!!

badpun: alright thats it  
badpun: everyone meet at my car after school we’re all going to lanas

jaredisthebathbomb: time to show my new favorite gay (other then me) some love

(Gay)lana Beck: How wonderful! Should I prepare anything?

jazz(oe)y: we’ll pick up pizza and snacks on our way over

savethetrees: jared youu can drag Alana to pride insttead of mme

jaredisthebathbomb: o MG  
jaredisthebathbomb: LANA WILL U DO THE HONOR OF GOING TO PRIDE WITH MECAUSE EVANS STRAIGHT (more like in denial amiright (jk ev idc i just dont go alone so i dont get mugged tbh))

(Gay)lana Beck: Oh my goodness of course! I’ve never been though, so you’ll have to teach me what is and isn’t proper.

jaredisthebathbomb: lana  
jaredisthebathbomb: babe  
jaredisthebathbomb: just be ur gayself and u will be f i n e  
jaredisthebathbomb: now u all need to have gay revelations then we can be the gay crew

badpun: i had mine in seventh grade kleinman  
badpun: guys are pretty

(Gay)lana Beck: So are girls!

jazz(oe)y: soft Connor likes boys

savethetrees: thiss daay was wild

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Alana Beck!!!! so much!!!!!!! (I headcanon her being homoromantic and demisexual so she's my fav lesbian)  
> also I'm sorry that the typing patterns are inconsistent I'm still working it all out, hopefully this chapter is pretty consistent???  
> alSo I feel like Connor wouldn't want to make a big deal out of his coming out that's why I didn't dwell that much on it?? but at the same time he wants to throw a giant fucking party for Alana  
> look at all these friends being all concerned n cute aw  
> Jared also has a soft spot for Alana,,,,, they all do tbh
> 
> thank you very much for reading and giving this mess so much love!!!!!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> hi!!!! I was in a mood for some good soft! Connor being a good brother to Zoe and this came out!!!!!! Unless people want me to make this something else, or I think of anything else I want to write for this, it will probably stay a oneshot. Maybe at one point a series of oneshots of them all just being friends?????  
> thank you so much for reading!!!!!!!!


End file.
